Poem of the Season *

If young Maurice Perkins had particular reason
To sign on for twelve years with the mob
It was the power of the uniform to attract young ladies
More than any other aspect of the job

Unhappily for Maurice, or 'Polly' as he became,
His ship went off to sea for a trip
Before any maiden's heart could be set a-flutter
The darling buds of romance got a nip

So, often and with longing as they sailed the several seas
Polly gazed morosely from the stern
All his messmates had left behind a girl to whom to write
And from whom to get love letters in return

An oppo of young Polly's, it was little 'Jumper' Cross
Suggested he should write to the local news
And advertise to all his naval availability
After all, what could Polly possibly lose?

So Polly wrote a letter to the newspaper at home
Enclosing the kindly suggested ad:
'Wanted quickly: lovely shore-side sweetheart
To correspond with lonely sailor lad'

Two more letterless weeks slipped slowly under the bow
Before they next entered a friendly port
And Polly's heart beat fast when the mail was brought aboard
Could there possibly be one for me? He thought.

His heart beat faster still when he heard the postie tell him,
"There's two enormous sacks of mail for you"
"You've got to go down to the mailroom and pick 'em up for yourself"
"For I've some delivering to do"

Polly could not believe that this was all for him
Here were letters from young ladies by the ream
All prospective girlfriends, vying for his hand
Lasses to surpass his wildest dream

The first lieutenant heard the buzz from the postie on his round
And thought, bludgeon me to death with a kipper!
I shall have to go upstairs to the big old bridgey thing
and have a quiet word with the skipper

The captain was a wise and much respected man
He listened carefully to the first lieutenant's claim
That, if Perkins failed to answer every one of those letters,
He could get the Senior service a bad name

The skipper, he agreed, he could see that there's a need
To interview young Perkins, Seaman, Able
So the cox'n was detailed to politely enquire
Would young Polly please report to the captain's table

Forwards march! Salute! Caps off! Stand to attention, lad!
Polly's knees let him know that they might just fail
"What's the buzz?" shouts the skipper, "Whatever's going on?"
"Explain to me just how you got this mail?"

So Polly told the skipper that, while at sea, he really yearned for
A maiden about whom he might chance to dream
So he'd written off an appeal for a lady pen-friend
And all this resulted from that scheme

"Well, you're going have to answer every letter that you get
In reply to your unfortunate ad.
And if I hear any complaints from any of these women
You'll find yourself deep in it, my lad"

Polly was feeling anxious as he only had one pen
And 2000 envelopes to address
But Jumper Cross jumped up saying, "Listen here young Polly,
Just answer a few and give away the rest!"

So, from the forward latrines to the sea-sick marines
Round each mess-deck Polly went with a list
"Pick a letter! Have a go! You might be lucky, you know
This is an opportunity not to be missed!"

He managed to unload a great number of his letters
On helpful members of the lower deck
Succeeding in reducing the pile of Polly's pen-pals
Thereby effectively saving his neck

Knocker Yates was one who took a letter from young Poll
He was a grizzled 3-badge stoker, leading rate
He applied with some zeal his epistolary skills
And, as he sealed the envelope, sealed his fate

So, how come, you ask, can I possibly know so much
Of Polly Perkins, the lonely sailor lad?
Well, my mum was one of the girls who wrote the letters
And Knocker Yates, well, he became my dad.